Boob Toob

Had my first mammogram last week.I know,I know you start at forty.I just did didn't I ?! Oops, sorry,my memory isn't what it used to be.
I had been forewarned by a couple of friends that it was kind of painful because your boobs get squished and squashed in different directions just so a clear image of all the innards is visible to the radiologist.Anyway,I walked in with some trepidation and funnily,the procedure didn't hurt at all!But the technician did casually mention that some people get called back for additional pictures and that if I get a call,I shouldn't over-think the whole thing.I guess that should have been my clue that I wasn't going to be let off that easily!!
Friday,I am driving along humming to the latest pop song,when my phone rings-it is from the imaging place and guess what?They want additional pictures!Keep in mind that this was a Friday and the next earliest  appointment I could possibly get would be on Monday-today.
Think about it,its your first time ever having your boobs x-rayed,and this is usually to rule out or diagnose as the case maybe, the big C as cancer is referred to. So if you get a call telling you more pictures are needed,what do you think goes through your mind?I texted some of my close girlfriends and one of them,who is slightly older than me texted me right back going," Oh,that happens all the time!!You are going to be fine!!". Another close friend sensed my worry and came right over and spent a couple of hours with me and offered to go to the appointment with me.Yet another friend  insisted on bringing in probiotics which she insisted would help the problem.By late evening,when my husband came home,I was actually freaking out!!He walked in rolling his hand over his tummy going,"I'm hungry!!".I decided to delay relating the news to him until he was done eating.When I did tell him,his first words were,"Its going to be alright!!"
My anxiety started gradually rising and the world took on a greyish hue.Everything seemed distant and everything seemed to take on a sinister,morbid significance.Friday,the day I got the call, happened to be my aunt's birthday-the aunt we had lost to,you guessed it, breast cancer.Saturday was my parent's wedding anniversary and I made the phone call to wish them  while  tamping down that urge to blabber everything out to my mother.My sister kept texting me and I wondered if it was a smart move to include her in the picture.She was off with her family vacationing in Malaysia-yes-she said the flights were mostly empty,but they made it every place they had to without incident,but decided not to trouble her with my sob story when I was merely waiting and did not in actuality have anything to tell her.
I had a minor tiff with  my better half(sorry babe-the detail is kind of important to the story line!!),and was complaining to my friend about how we stay at home moms were under appreciated and told her that if he asked me what I wanted for Mother's day,I was going to tell him that I would step out of the house at 8.00 in the morning and not come back until 8.00 in the night  and that he and the kids should imagine I was not there and try to get on with their life without me!See where the morbid part comes in? Saturday when my husband asked me if I was okay,I told him I was prepared for things,but hoped that I didn't have anything terminal.We are still on morbid!
Saturday,my close friend whose husband who happens to be a doctor sensed my unease and asked us to come over for dinner and her husband casually mentioned that in his experience,if things were bad,you get called for a biopsy and not for more pictures.That made me feel marginally better and he noticed my tension and was wondering about if it was a good idea to inform patients of prospective issues on Friday and keep them hanging the entire weekend.Ya think?!!
Oh,did I mention that I hadn't actually eaten  much after I had gotten the call?My friend watched me eagle-eyed while I ate and insisted I eat more-without her,I probably wouldn't have eaten anything for dinner on Saturday.I had skipped meals after 1.30 Friday afternoon,and Saturday's dinner was my  first full meal.I had sustained myself with coffee-cups and cups of it.
I cannot even begin to tell you how badly Mother's day went.My husband tried very hard to make it as nice as possible-he got us lunch,drove us to a park to eat there and he bought me flowers,wine and on any other day,I would have been over the moon,but not yesterday.I was counting down the hours in my mind and kept wondering if my life was going to be turned on its head in less that 24 hours.And then it struck me,I  did not want anything bad happening to me not because I wanted it for myself. Everytime I looked at my kids,I had to stop myself from bursting into tears and I was frantic thinking about my children's life without me.How would they manage?My husband wouldn't make it without me!I do pretty much everything at home including scheduling things for my kids,taking them here, there and everywhere.Paying bills,buying stuff-meaning anything and everything-was my business.I cook,clean,do laundry.....The sheer impracticality of my absence hit me.But more than anything,I knew that me,the wife and mother was so integral to their life,that I couldn't imagine life without them.
And I come to this realisation,the day before my second mammogram because the first one seemed to pick up on something?!
I think this post has gone on long enough,will continue tomorrow.Well,keep in mind,all is well that ends well!!