Saturday was an amazing day here in Oregon.The temperature hit upper sixties at the coast and we decided to make hay while the sun shone-literally shone!
Amazing...blue skies, uncrowded beaches. Yet another beach that we discovered.All of us had a great time.We just ambled along the shore.Noe and I ,closer and closer to the water until a wave lapped at our feet and we were swept away in the glorious feel of cold water on your toes and off we went, rolled up pants notwithstanding. Manny and Dad kept a respectful distance from the water but walked parallel to us and when we turned back,we converged and walked back to the car together. I think a couple of years from now, it will be just the three of us doing impromptu things because Manny will be off to college God knows where and if we wake up on a sunny morning and decide to go beach combing, Manny can look at pictures of the three of us cavorting at the beach later.
We came back home and after a whirlwind of attending mass, shopping for groceries, dinner and clean up,we finally settled on the couch while the kids amused themselves with music and TV.
I looked up the the Atlantic magazine's website which somehow I really dig, inspite of a few eye roll causing comments which, despite my husband's advise, I do read and of course, roll my eyes.
The headlines jumped out at me - 'The Humiliation of Aziz Anzari' Whoa!!! What did he do now?
I've never watched 'Parks and Recreation' except on the odd day, never watched 'Master of None' . But I watched this kid doing his monologue on SNL and some Youtube videos. That's about it. But I have to concede, that there is a certain pride in watching him and Mindy Kaling because, they are Tamilians. Atleast, of Tamil origin.
He is twice the age of my older son, but with his parents having emigrated from India, just like my husband and me, in my mind, he stands for what my children can aspire to.
But that article, especially it's title gave me pause. Humiliated?
I read it and then it struck me - yes, he was indeed humiliated. I went from wondering if he had put his foot in about the whole @#$%hole thingy going on with the President, to, sympathizing with the poor thing!
The worst part for me was to read in gory detail (mercifully abridged) of a specific sexual encounter he had with this person (I'm not calling her a lady- no sir, no). The first emotion that went through me
was, "Man, how embarrassing for his parents!". To read about your son's sexual escapades in such lurid details-eww!!
And then the accusation. That he had sexually assaulted the person. Huh? What?! I read on.
I did not read anything about the power he had over her, his celebrity status,his fame,which he used to inveigle her into his lair, where he ravished her despite her screams for mercy and dumped her in the middle of the street, daring her to seek justice.
Just to make sure, I went to the original website where the article was published, and read the offending piece in its entirety. It basically confirmed what I had thought about the incident. A bad date. A very bad date for the accuser, no doubt. But sexual assault? Damn no!
The fact that he was a celebrity got to her head it seems to me.She tried to catch his attention while tipsy, at the Emmy after party she says. And that they were aware of each other in a very sensual way it seemed.
They reconnected in New York, met up at his apartment, had a drink and then walked to a restaurant. One would think, if he were a predator, he would have made the moves on her the minute she walked in the first time. I don't want to refute it line by line, but the whole white wine, red wine reference? If that preference or the fact that you weren't involved in the choosing set you off, why, oh, why did you go along with the whole thing? She states that he was in such an awful hurry to get to his place, that they barely finished the wine they ordered. Did she think he wanted to, well, talk, back at his place? If he can't read cues, neither can she it seems.
I always tell my teenager, that whatever he says, it is not what he meant, but how it is perceived by the person who is being spoken to that matters.
Running with that theory, how much ever Ansari assumed assent and therefore initiated a sexual event, was she that dense that she didn't get it, that he didn't get it? Maybe raise your voice a bit more? Mumbling? Say what?
If my kid mumbles, even if it is in answer to a routine question, I make him repeat what ever it is he said, clearly. You are uncomfortable with a guy sexually coming on to you and you mumble? Incidentally,she never used the word fear in the account. At no point in time was she afraid of him. It seems like she could have gotten up and walked out anytime, but hung on for...what?
After refusing his advance in one instance she says, he sat on the couch and she on the floor and she assumed he would probably rub her back or play with her hair? This apparently after telling him she was not comfortable doing whatever he wanted. One would assume, a person feeling threatened would put physical distance between themselves and the other person and not expect back rubs. Hello, foreplay?
I'm done. No more parsing the gory details. At the end of it all it seems to me, this would have been a bumbling first date if not for the fact that the male in question is Aziz Ansari. A celebrity. While they seem to have clarified the situation and stayed away from each other, the vindictive person decides, after seeing him wear a 'Time's up' pin that she needs to revisit the situation and shame him in front of the world at large. Cheap!
Sexual assault is real.It happens somewhere every minute of the day. If Caitlin Flanagan's experience in the NY Subway is any indication, I've experienced it too on PTC buses back in Chennai. It runs the entire gamut of what could be defined as assault.But what Ansari is accused of? I don't think so. Misreading cues does not amount to assault.
I love Jon Krakauer's books.The first time I read an excerpt from 'Into Thin Air', I was hooked.'Under the Banner of Heaven' was very good and I encouraged my dad to read it too. But his recent book,'Missoula' was, to me, a head scratcher. I returned the book, half read, to the library.
More education about sex is absolutely essential-specifically for girls-don't give off these vague whiffs of sexual interest in a guy, don't follow it up with alcohol, don't go to his room, don't invite him to yours, don't take off your clothes, don't spoon, don't play that non verbal cue game and then change your mind.As much as you have absolute liberty to say no any time you want, why don't you say no right away, before the heavy petting that you consider heavy petting, but a male would consider foreplay? In a funny way, it seems in a few instances, there is power at play.I have the power to say no at any time, and you have to read my cue-verbal or non-verbal. If you don't, you are at fault. We live in a culture, political or otherwise where even things said in public are denied by people in power. Even if there are tapes to refute it. The pronunciation is made suspect. The delivery is questioned. So, maybe if no is supposed to mean no, a loud, clear, unequivocal NO, with a clear statement of protest might work? There are scores of abusers who will still proceed with the assault. But I am sure there are enough men who will take the hint.
I will discuss this sordid issue with my older one some day. But Ansari will be the victim in my telling. How one bad decision can ruin you. How to read cues, especially sexual ones. Hopefully this won't sour him towards the whole courtship game.
In the meanwhile, Ansari, this is my advise to you-freeya vidu pa!
Amazing...blue skies, uncrowded beaches. Yet another beach that we discovered.All of us had a great time.We just ambled along the shore.Noe and I ,closer and closer to the water until a wave lapped at our feet and we were swept away in the glorious feel of cold water on your toes and off we went, rolled up pants notwithstanding. Manny and Dad kept a respectful distance from the water but walked parallel to us and when we turned back,we converged and walked back to the car together. I think a couple of years from now, it will be just the three of us doing impromptu things because Manny will be off to college God knows where and if we wake up on a sunny morning and decide to go beach combing, Manny can look at pictures of the three of us cavorting at the beach later.
We came back home and after a whirlwind of attending mass, shopping for groceries, dinner and clean up,we finally settled on the couch while the kids amused themselves with music and TV.
I looked up the the Atlantic magazine's website which somehow I really dig, inspite of a few eye roll causing comments which, despite my husband's advise, I do read and of course, roll my eyes.
The headlines jumped out at me - 'The Humiliation of Aziz Anzari' Whoa!!! What did he do now?
I've never watched 'Parks and Recreation' except on the odd day, never watched 'Master of None' . But I watched this kid doing his monologue on SNL and some Youtube videos. That's about it. But I have to concede, that there is a certain pride in watching him and Mindy Kaling because, they are Tamilians. Atleast, of Tamil origin.
He is twice the age of my older son, but with his parents having emigrated from India, just like my husband and me, in my mind, he stands for what my children can aspire to.
But that article, especially it's title gave me pause. Humiliated?
I read it and then it struck me - yes, he was indeed humiliated. I went from wondering if he had put his foot in about the whole @#$%hole thingy going on with the President, to, sympathizing with the poor thing!
The worst part for me was to read in gory detail (mercifully abridged) of a specific sexual encounter he had with this person (I'm not calling her a lady- no sir, no). The first emotion that went through me
was, "Man, how embarrassing for his parents!". To read about your son's sexual escapades in such lurid details-eww!!
And then the accusation. That he had sexually assaulted the person. Huh? What?! I read on.
I did not read anything about the power he had over her, his celebrity status,his fame,which he used to inveigle her into his lair, where he ravished her despite her screams for mercy and dumped her in the middle of the street, daring her to seek justice.
Just to make sure, I went to the original website where the article was published, and read the offending piece in its entirety. It basically confirmed what I had thought about the incident. A bad date. A very bad date for the accuser, no doubt. But sexual assault? Damn no!
The fact that he was a celebrity got to her head it seems to me.She tried to catch his attention while tipsy, at the Emmy after party she says. And that they were aware of each other in a very sensual way it seemed.
They reconnected in New York, met up at his apartment, had a drink and then walked to a restaurant. One would think, if he were a predator, he would have made the moves on her the minute she walked in the first time. I don't want to refute it line by line, but the whole white wine, red wine reference? If that preference or the fact that you weren't involved in the choosing set you off, why, oh, why did you go along with the whole thing? She states that he was in such an awful hurry to get to his place, that they barely finished the wine they ordered. Did she think he wanted to, well, talk, back at his place? If he can't read cues, neither can she it seems.
I always tell my teenager, that whatever he says, it is not what he meant, but how it is perceived by the person who is being spoken to that matters.
Running with that theory, how much ever Ansari assumed assent and therefore initiated a sexual event, was she that dense that she didn't get it, that he didn't get it? Maybe raise your voice a bit more? Mumbling? Say what?
If my kid mumbles, even if it is in answer to a routine question, I make him repeat what ever it is he said, clearly. You are uncomfortable with a guy sexually coming on to you and you mumble? Incidentally,she never used the word fear in the account. At no point in time was she afraid of him. It seems like she could have gotten up and walked out anytime, but hung on for...what?
After refusing his advance in one instance she says, he sat on the couch and she on the floor and she assumed he would probably rub her back or play with her hair? This apparently after telling him she was not comfortable doing whatever he wanted. One would assume, a person feeling threatened would put physical distance between themselves and the other person and not expect back rubs. Hello, foreplay?
I'm done. No more parsing the gory details. At the end of it all it seems to me, this would have been a bumbling first date if not for the fact that the male in question is Aziz Ansari. A celebrity. While they seem to have clarified the situation and stayed away from each other, the vindictive person decides, after seeing him wear a 'Time's up' pin that she needs to revisit the situation and shame him in front of the world at large. Cheap!
Sexual assault is real.It happens somewhere every minute of the day. If Caitlin Flanagan's experience in the NY Subway is any indication, I've experienced it too on PTC buses back in Chennai. It runs the entire gamut of what could be defined as assault.But what Ansari is accused of? I don't think so. Misreading cues does not amount to assault.
I love Jon Krakauer's books.The first time I read an excerpt from 'Into Thin Air', I was hooked.'Under the Banner of Heaven' was very good and I encouraged my dad to read it too. But his recent book,'Missoula' was, to me, a head scratcher. I returned the book, half read, to the library.
More education about sex is absolutely essential-specifically for girls-don't give off these vague whiffs of sexual interest in a guy, don't follow it up with alcohol, don't go to his room, don't invite him to yours, don't take off your clothes, don't spoon, don't play that non verbal cue game and then change your mind.As much as you have absolute liberty to say no any time you want, why don't you say no right away, before the heavy petting that you consider heavy petting, but a male would consider foreplay? In a funny way, it seems in a few instances, there is power at play.I have the power to say no at any time, and you have to read my cue-verbal or non-verbal. If you don't, you are at fault. We live in a culture, political or otherwise where even things said in public are denied by people in power. Even if there are tapes to refute it. The pronunciation is made suspect. The delivery is questioned. So, maybe if no is supposed to mean no, a loud, clear, unequivocal NO, with a clear statement of protest might work? There are scores of abusers who will still proceed with the assault. But I am sure there are enough men who will take the hint.
I will discuss this sordid issue with my older one some day. But Ansari will be the victim in my telling. How one bad decision can ruin you. How to read cues, especially sexual ones. Hopefully this won't sour him towards the whole courtship game.
In the meanwhile, Ansari, this is my advise to you-freeya vidu pa!
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