Bundles of Joy

Which brings me to an article I read today:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9686219/I-am-bitterly-bitterly-disappointed-retired-naval-officers-email-to-children-in-full.html

To have a father write to his adult children about how disappointed he is, is sad enough without having the whole world comment on it on some website.Full disclosure:he did not publicize the email.
The overlying theme of the comments seems to be that the parents failed the kids when bringing them up and blaming them now, is in effect,useless.
Hence my dilemma:Do you come down on your kids when they are young enough that you have control over them and get them to see sense or back off, give them their space and hope things work out for the best?Do you bring up kids who hesitate too much in life because they are unsure of your reaction or ones that go out and do their thing-right or wrong and experience the after effects of that,good or bad?
I tell my kid all the time that I would much rather have him hate me for having pushed him to do things in life (while doing well in life )rather than have him love me to bits for having been a permissive parent( while being homeless)!!
 I recently read a book titled 'Outliers' written by Malcolm Gladwell.One chapter was about how the success of a kid depended a lot on the style in which they were raised irrespective of race,religion etc.It was the social class and educational qualification of the parents that determined that style.He calls it "concerned cultivation" and it involves parents who "foster and assess a child's talents,opinions and skills" and thereby give the child a sense of self awareness and entitlement( in the most positive sense of the word),which helps them get ahead,much ahead in life than kids whose parents let their children's progress take its natural course.
 But what do you do with a stubborn 12 year old who wants you to purchase everything(thankfully,we only rent the piano,but,yes,we bought the Lego Robot!!) that catches his fancy,insists he will use them ,but ultimately just forgets about them until you cajole and plead and induce and bribe and finally threaten and compel into submission?Isn't that concerned but furious parenting?Does that backfire?