Pomp and Circumstance.

That cliched tune!! I've heard it twice in the span of a month and it still moved me the second time as much as it did the first.

Creighton's Commencement was a large affair. At the CHI center in Omaha, Nebraska - where NCAA Basketball games are played (that was Manny's thrilling observation), almost 900 seniors were graduating and all the pomp and circumstance possible, was on display. To have yet another college graduate in the house is thrilling and I am excited about what Emmanuel will do. The future is here, his for the taking. Way to go Emmanuel!!

But Saturday's graduation was a whole another thing for me. 

When you first hear the fact from, experts, no less, that your child is not 'normal', the floor drops from under your feet. Cinematically, things screech to a stop. The world takes on a duller sheen and the lustre is gone off from everything. Stuff looks flat and blah. And the future? Pfffft..off in a puff of smoke. It is no longer there. It looks hopeless and bereft of joy.

If my description seems too exaggerated, ask any parent with a newly diagnosed child. They might probably burst into tears and say ,"Yes, that just about describes how I feel right now!" So, yes. That was how I felt. The feeling lasted months. But you have this little, live person in front of you who has more practical needs - like wanting to eat, be taken out to the park and the stores and everywhere, wanting clothes to wear and toys to play with. And the rest of the family is relying on you to keep things running. So in that fog of sorrow, you do everything. All the things you would otherwise do. This huge gray cloud hangs over you, but life doesn't pause for you. 

And the practicalities are calling. Does he need more assessment? How about therapy? What kind? Where? Which therapist? Who will guide me through that labyrinth? Will insurance cover all this? Can we afford it otherwise? You stop thinking about the distant future and think of today, the next day, the next week.

For every person who I've heard say Child Protective Services worries them and how culturally different parents are looked at with suspicion, and children are forcefully grabbed away from them...the world that opened up before us when Noe was diagnosed, was all taxpayer funded programs. These are bureaucracies, but some of the personnel are the kindest, most thoughtful people you will ever see. Comforting and reassuring parents in this situation is a very tricky job and they do it admirably.

The Regional Educational Service district aided with the diagnosis, pointed us to the right resources and placed him with the best possible intervention services. We are forever grateful to them for that.

Public school took over when he turned five and he has been with the Public school system all his school years.

His journey has not been without hiccups. He has been to eight school in 13 years and the change in environment must have been confusing and unsettling for an autistic kid who thrives on routine. But my little warrior took it all in stride. A couple of school changes were my idea - that they were better suited to his needs. A couple more were the Special Needs team's idea- again because they were better suited to his needs. But we were wrong sometimes and right sometimes. Noe went along with the supposedly normal folks deciding his placement for him and gamely moved schools when he was made to. We moved houses and so moved school districts, he went along with that too. Each move entailed getting used to a new set of aides, teachers, therapists and of course classmates (each with their own diagnosis and behavioral issues and needs etc.). Again, he never lost his equanimity and went with the flow. I think I was more frazzled with each move  than he was!

After all the toing and froing, he started High school at Beaverton High and I was this puddle of worry again about the whole process. The longest he had been at the same school was two and a half years. Would we beat that record by lasting all four here? We were leaving behind a lot of positive experiences and of course a lot of negative ones, one of which entailed us pulling him out of the public schooling system completely. But we were back there, fingers crossed, not very hopeful, because our experience showed us that despite all the resources at their disposal, any special needs classroom is only as good as the teacher that runs it. 

Noe had literally blossomed into this cute, sweet, thoughtful, kind, happy, well adjusted young kid, who seemed on the road to allowing his potential to shine through. With the right kind of support and encouragement, he would be really realizing his potential. Will this be the setting that would set a match to his light?

I know I haven't talked about faith and God in this post at all.

Well, that was constantly an undercurrent the first few years. The constant anger with God for doing this to you. How disappointed you were in him. And then the teary eyed begging, to have him make your kid ok. And the bargaining, what you were willing to give up for that. The sleepless nights, the silent prayers....the asking, the asking again and again and again. The silence. The lack of a response. The needle never moving. Never at the pace you wanted. The improvement never fast enough. Until one fine day, you look up and go, "Fine!! If this is how it's gonna be, I'll stop asking and figure it out myself!! I'm done with you!"

 And figure it out you do. Therapies and interventions and supplements and playschools and gymnastics and Yoga and swimming. And after a few years, the realisation hits that, that was what He wanted you to do all along. Champion your child, fight for him with all your might, protect him, advocate for him and love him, more than anything. And most important of all, know that He is with you, beside you, patting you on the back for everything, hugging you when the going gets tough, and just, being there. Be still and know that I am God, He says. Feel his presence. I look at Noe and I see Him in his full glory. His best work of creation yet, if I may say so myself!

And He sometimes sends someone into your life, or more accurately, your child's life. Someone who supports your child and raises him up and nudges him into doing things he wouldn't have thought he could do. Someone who celebrates his achievements despite his disability. Someone who treats him no different than any of his peers and sets high enough expectations for him that he stands up tall to achieve it.

Remember the teacher being the lynchpin that holds it all together? We found her! And she is amazing. And what He (uppercase, ahem) did for me, she did for Noe. She used every resource at her disposal to help him do his best. She sent him off to Field Biology classes involving hands on agricultural experience. She pushed him into Ceramics and Art classes. He buffed up (a teeny bit) at Weight training classes, and learned to Zen out at Flex and Stretch classes. For a kid in a self contained classroom, he was barely in there, on any given day. He mentioned Taoism and  Buddhism and the Great Wall of  China and Gladiators and the Colosseum and boy was I floored!!  She helped him navigate Zoom classes when Covid hit and above all, she was his cheering squad, egging him on to do better and heaping praise at every achievement and fighting for him at every point, to be included in situations we neurotypicals take for granted. So much so that we went for ice cream after graduation and there's this sweet looking new graduate girl who hollers at him and then explains to me that they were at Beaverton High together! He was in the regular environment at school enough that he knew so many neurotypical kids who waved at him and said hello, whenever I went to pick him up at school. Sweet!

His progress was also helped by the myriad therapists and aides and everyone who volunteered in each one of his classes. The peer buddies who did activities with him and accompanied him on field days. Every single one of them is owed our gratitude.

And his Speech therapist who has watched him grow in the last seven years from an elementary school kiddo, into a deep voiced high schooler, we are forever indebted to her.

And his Occupational therapist, who helped him navigate some behavioral challenges and manage them independently, we owe her big time!

All of these people came into his life at exactly the time they were needed and everyone has a share in his success. 

But above all, we owe everything to the one who watches over us. Look deeply and you will see Him in everything and everywhere.

Blessed is the one who is pure in heart, for they shall see God. That is Noe.

I cried on Saturday too, but those were really tears of Joy. Fifteen years ago, I would never have thought Noe would wear a cap and gown and walk the stage and receive a diploma and make us proud, but he did, by God's grace he did!!

And now off to a new chapter, but I am not afraid. He who guided us this far, will lead us further. I am secure in that knowledge!

Go Noe!!