I received that dreaded phone call today - the one that everyone living overseas fears the most.
It was 3.15 in the afternoon for me..Barely 5.00 a.m back home and the caller ID said 'out of area'..My stomach churned.
It was my sister calling to tell me that my brother,my cousin,had passed away. He was forty. He had been ill for a while and this was something that was vaguely becoming a possibility, but when it happened, it was a massive punch to my gut.
I am filled with unbearable grief. My world is less brighter than it was at noon. I never thought I would have to write about my little brother in the past tense. We were supposed to grow old together...Share our kid's successes in life,watch them get married..His children's children and my grandchildren would have been third cousins and we should have been able to compare notes on our grandkids...But he is gone.
I do not have a brother...But he was as close as a brother that I could have had. Four years younger than me,he was my father's younger sister's son. They lived close to us for almost seven years and even after we moved,they used to come to our church so we were always in each other's lives.
When he was little he was this cute fat little dumpling..We used to call him the distinctly un PC nickname ' chettiar'..He grew long and lean in his adolescence and kept his leanness for a long while.
Very smart and hardworking,school work came easily to him and he went to the prestigious Anna University when it was still the only campus with that name...Campus placement followed and marriage and kids...
But by the time he graduated from college , I was married and settled in the US. We used to see each other everytime I went home but not to each other's heart's content..Life gets in the way you know?
But what I will remember about my brother is the fact that he would never talk bad about anyone and would never let you do it either.
Very argumentative, but very sunny and cheerful, with a sweet childish giggle, he could literally light up the room.
My dad used to tease him about his ability to go horizontal the minute he saw a couch or a bed or anything that would hold his almost six foot frame. He would saunter into our house,rifle the fridge for food,fill a plate, polish it off and ofcourse,find a couch to rest his head.
Now he rests. Rests in peace. His illness was painful and very demoralizing on him and took a toll on his family, but I know all of the us would do anything, give anything to have him back.
To me the dagger in my heart is deeper because I cannot go home. With kids in school and a very busy husband my sorrow is mine to hold and mull and cry over.
But my sweet brother sleeps, free of pain, free of sorrow,free of worry, free of strife. He is in a better place. He is at peace. In the loving arms of God.
But I have no time for platitudes...I want him back. They say time blunts your sorrow, but I don't know. This is the kind of loss that is irreplaceable. It was not his time yet. He was only forty. He was my younger brother. His parents are going to bury him. That is the worst that can happen to any parent. They are in their late sixties. My heart shudders to think of my uncle and aunt. How will they bear this? He has two sweet kids and a young wife he leaves behind. How will they hold up?
But life goes on. My kids are doing their homework . Dinner is in the oven and plans are being made for tomorrow. There is a tomorrow for us.
But my brother sleeps. Forever. There is no tomorrow or yesterday.
Soon life will overtake sorrow. He will be a memory, a bittersweet one, but a memory nonetheless.
Live life to the fullest. Treasure your kith and kin. When someone is gone there is no coming back. So be nice to everyone. Afterall we all live only once and we don't know when our last day will be. There are no curtain calls you know.
Ah, but what would I give to see his face one more time, to hear his voice calling my name, to argue some triviality one more time with him.
It is OK .Rest in peace Dinni...My sweet brother.
And we will live out the rest of our lives in the assurance that we will meet you again.
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