Pardesi

Had a weird  last few days.
Last Monday,a friend of mine told me about a friend of a friend who had met with an accident and was on life support at OHSU.This lady wasn't even thirty and had a one year old baby girl.She and her husband were in the process of moving into a new home and that indirectly contributed to the accident.
Anyway,this hit pretty close to home,because this was not someone who lived in some city a few hundred miles from here.She lived where we lived,shopped where we shopped,visited places we visited and there was someone we knew in common.There was probably less than six degrees of separation between us.
That she had a child made matters worse.Add to that the fact that her husband was alone,supported by just some friends(that is an understatement-he has absolutely exceptional ones) and had to have relatives come over from India to see him through this horror was heart wrenching.Her parents came over,helped with the baby,lived in the house the daughter hadn't even lived in yet but had managed to move all her stuff into,stayed vigil at the hospital where she was given a 1% chance of making it through,and ultimately experienced the worst nightmare a parent has to ever go through-she passed away last Friday, a week after the accident.
We all prayed for her and I thought of her all the time.When my friend called me to let me know that she had died,my heart sank.In spite of the grim prognosis,I had held out hope.But it was not to be.Yesterday was her funeral-her life on earth is done.She is but a memory.All of us will move on.Her husband and child will be traumatized,but eventually,move on too.All things pass.
But her death has given me pause.
A few weeks ago I had blogged about how going back to India was not a good idea.I take that back.No really,I do!Not that I am moving there anytime soon,but I wonder if all this is worth it.Like I mentioned in that post,the basic premise of a better paying job and better lifestyle is gone.While it is still true that life on a day to day basis is immeasurably better here,it is the ties that bind us that matter.
I was mentioning that whole scenario to a friend of mine, who is from here and she goes,"No,No,we are here for you.You just have to call!".True,but however great the bond,in times of dire need or trauma,we still revert to being kids-we need our parents,our siblings...I think this is partly because with family,you can let down your defenses and be helpless and expect them to pick up the slack.
My cousin's husband passed away last month-and I called  my cousin(her brother) within maybe an hour-the response was amazing.She had four brothers and they were ALL there,as were her sisters-in-law and aunts and uncles..My father who was driving to Bangalore,turned right around and drove back to her house.Within a few hours ,all our relatives were there.The only exception was obviously me and another niece of hers who lives in Chicago.See what I mean?
The reverse holds true too-God forbid,if anything happens to us here,who will be here for us?Who will help us pick up the pieces?Morbid as it sounds,what do you do for posterity-any rituals-here or there?What about the remains?
Where do you get the support that family provides through the tough times of reacclamatizing with life after a huge loss?What about practical things?Who does what?Who takes over what chore?
With my cousin,there was someone with her for almost  two weeks-I mean the whole time.People took time off from work to be with her.They took turns.And think about it,she could ask people to stay with her,even insist they do.
But we live in a place where if we happen to be from India,there is a good chance both husband and wife work,the kids are in school and there is this hesitation to ask someone for what seems like too much help.And in reverse,even close friends,bowing down to social norms,do not offer too much help, just in case it ends up being too intrusive.
We seem to be bobbing along on the placid river of life,and just like that ,some tidal wave can topple the boat over-life as we had known can change in a nanosecond-how do we take it?Is this huge move that millions of us made worth it?
I am rephrasing that old adage-"Forget your enemies,keep your friends really close".Ignore petty things,minor social infractions,character flaws,that chronic lateness that characterizes most Indians(a friend used the the term-IST- Indian Sliding Time!!).They can become the family we don't have here.

Rest in Peace Rashmi,you lived a short while,but even in death, you have unknowingly touched so many lives.Thank you!!

As regards aging parents back home,I don't even want to think about it.